Shower Blog

Day two with no toilet paper. I swear to God, I am going to call the police. There has to be some kind of law against this.

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So Christian ran out of toilet paper. Want to know how I know? As soon as the motherfucker was done shitting, he jumped right inside me and washed his asshole. In me. His shit brown cheeks getting scrubbed inside of me.

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I got so side-tracked with my daily goings-ons, I forgot to talk about prom.  Prom was a delight.  I went with this boy who lives near me.  His name is toilet-mouth.  Well, that’s not his name.  His real name is Sloan, but the kids in school call him toilet mouth.  Well, if you can get past his bad breath, he’s a real sweet-heart.

Anyway, he picked me up in a limosuine and boy oh boy was he a gentleman.

We had a blast at Prom.  Nobody spiked the  punch or anything cliche like that, but Sloan’s friend, Bobby, brought a flask.  He’s a bad boy.  Well, anyway, when we left prom, a bunch of us went to Bobby’s house for some fun.  Let’s just say there was some drinking and I may have ended up in the pool without my curtain.  Teehee.

Prom was so much fun.  I can’t wait to go again next year.

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No shower yesterday…I wonder where he is.

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If I have to listen to “The Way You Make Me Feel” one more time, I am going to shoot myself.  Can you believe this motherfucker spends so much time in me that he puts his cell phone into speaker mode and makes about five calls while he showers?  Who does that?

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Over the weekend, Christian brought a freaking fake guitar in the shower. After about three minutes of his “solo” he realized what he was doing. All he said after that was “Fuck. Motherfucker cost me $90.”

Sometimes it is better not to know what’s going on inside of you.

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So I was taking a nap, when he flipped on the light.  He had a bucket in his hand and said “Christian loves hims some KFC” or something like that.  Can you believe this motherfucker was actually eating fried chicken while he was getting a shower.  So now, not only do I have a shitstain, I also have pieces of extra crispy all over my curtain.

He is out of control.

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So today, I was minding my own goddamn business and do you know what that bandito did?  He dropped a nugget in me.  I know gross right?  Well, he was singing Thriller and scrubbing himself when he farted.  I know.  Turn off.  Well, then he did it again.  And again.  Next thing you know, I feel a little something hit my floor.

I was very upset when I found out what it was.  He panicked.  He stopped singing and turned off my water.  He sat on the toilet and finished his business, then cleaned up his mess in me with a paper towel.  Then  he left.  I was just left with the stink and a shit stain.  The least he could have done is poured some Comet on me or something.

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Best.  Prom.  Ever.  Details to come.

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Well, that was a close call.  I took like four home tests and they all said negative.  We’re going to have to be a lot more careful from now on.

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